Long time no see….

Long time no see….

So, to say the blog has been on hiatus would be a bit of an understatement. It’s been dead and buried. Buried under a mound of pain, exhaustion and illness. Buried under a house move, pregnancy and just trying to claw a little energy to be ‘alive’. Alive beyond just breathing and existing, alive enough to maybe actually participate in life. 

Is it too much to ask to be able to go a day without needing four hours plus sleep? To be able to walk more than a a few meters without feeling my legs buckle beneath me? To not have stomach cramps so severe I feel like I’m about to faint, vomit and soil myself all at once? To eat a meal without feeling like I’ve been punched in the stomach? 

At the moment yes, it very much is. 

The only thing getting me through is knowing (hoping) this is all for a good cause. All this suffering (I hope) is just temporary whilst I build my precious baby. Afterwards I’ll just be back to my usual level of ailments. 

But I won’t. I know I won’t. Certain parts of my body have been stretched and shunted by the pregnancy. Leaving them the wrong shape, or in the wrong place. Thanks to my faulty collagen no amount of exercising will pull them taught, re sit joints in place. Some of this I’ll have to live with. Some can be fixed with an op. An op that most surgeons don’t want to do, due to poor wound healing, that may flare my other conditions even further. 

On top of that there’s the fact that I never ever get back to where I was. If/when I come out of a flare I’m always a good few paces behind where I was health wise. I never quite catch up with myself. This time, it’s not just a flare, it’s a pregnancy. At the end of which will be either a labour or c section. Both of which are traumatic. I wonder how far behind I’ll be this time? 

Who knows. But as hard as this is, I do not regret my decision. Because a broken heart means more room to love my family, and a hard and painful life means more strength to teach and protect them. That is worth going through anything for.  

 

Advertisements

A pregnant pause. 

  

So. I’m pregnant. Hence the distinct lack of blog action. 

Honestly, I feel like such a whimp for saying this, but I’ve literally been too exhausted to post here. Just the thought of the mental capacity it would take had me curled in a ball tocking backwards and forwards! 

Having had a child already, I foolishly believed I could do this with little more issues than a healthy woman. What I did not take into account was the fact that back then I was a much healthier woman. I still hadn’t been diagnosed and was even able to work. The myriad of medications I’ve now been on for years were not even thought about. 

But now, now things are oh so different. 

Firstly, I had to come off my meds in order to even try for a baby. This has not been a fun experience. You start to kid yourself you’re actually getting better when you’re medicated. Your body can handle this! You’re a warrior! Then you come off your meds. BAM!!! Body is a useless mess again. 

Secondly, I have been absolutely terrified. I’m not talking scared. I’m talking terrified. Sadly, the first time I conceived my body just wasn’t ready, and the pregnancy didn’t take. This has been constantly playing on my mind. Especially as, by some miracle, I dropped straight back on. (I say miracle as I barely let my husband within a mile radius of me the month after.) As I neared twelve weeks these fears were lifting. That was until one of my specialists pointed out my condition is often linked with another, which causes spontaneous miscarriage at any stage in the pregnancy. A condition that I won’t be tested for unless I have another miscarriage. Fantastic.  Why tell me then?? So there’s a good chance I’ll be a gibbering mess the entire way through. Leading me on to.. 

Thirdly, the hormones!! My body had its hormones artificially switched off for 18 months. Why? It doesn’t like them. So now, it’s being flooded with hormones and punishing me greatly. Obviously, there’s the usual. Swinging from manic depressed psycho bitch, to the most loving happy and angelic woman in the blink of an eye. (That is usual right.) Then there’s my body kicking my ass for the changes. My heart rate is alllll over the place. I’m also having lovely palpitations, which really brighten my day. My bowel has become a writhing monster in my body. Stabbing, gnawing and twisting, then hibernating and refusing to function for days. It generally awakes in the dead of night. Plus, my already loose joints are getting stretchier by the second. Walking, breathing, doing pretty much anything is painful. I know this one is only going to get worse. 

Fourthly and finally, the crippling exhaustion. I have been completely bed bound for ten weeks. All day, every day, locked in my room like a prisoner. Just lifting my head off the pillow has been too much effort. On an evening, I’ve tried to head downstairs for a few hours, only for my husband to have to carry my back up. Even the effort of that left me in a blubbering mess. It’s been HELL. I’m so grateful this complete exhaustion is lifting, because I tell you now, I was going crazy. 

I have been assured that in a few weeks, as my blood volume increases, I will begin to feel better. The haze around me does seem to be clearing now. But honestly, I’m no longer under any illusions. This is going to be one hard slog. But I know, that all being well, it will be so worth it.