*** I don’t know how this post is going to go. But I would say reader discretion is advised. ***

As many of you know I’m struggling with the symptoms of a prolapse. In fact, when I saw my surgeons for the results of my Proctogram their exact words were that ‘everything is coming down’. I do hope to share my story at various stages, and was intending to share my experience of that appointment. This is not that post. 

But that appointment does play a part. You see it culminated in the surgeon I’d never met before telling me I would be fitted with a pessary. I told him I didn’t want this. I’d been told I’d need surgery. I stuck up for myself. But no. He thought a pessary was the way forward, and that’s what was to be done. 

Ordinarily in this situation I’d feel disgruntled to say the least. Royally pi**ed off would be a more accurate description of my feelings when doctors steamroll me into things. This time I didn’t. This time was different. This time I was devastated. Completely and utterly devastated. I felt something inside me well up. Something I hadn’t felt for many many years. Something which I wasn’t ready for. 

I told myself it was disappointment. I’d been hoping for a surgical fix. But yet again I had landed myself with a condition to be ‘managed’ rather than cured. Something that would need long term treatment rather than an end date, a fix. I lamented this fact to my husband. He was sympathetic, but also confused. This was a none surgical option, surely that was better? He had a point. So I saw my GP. I asked questions. I looked at diagrams. I researched. 

The results were good. The pessary was less invasive. No recovery time. I may be able to cope with it for a long time and only need smaller surgery. The side effects were minimal. If it didn’t suit then surgery was still an option. I even spoke to women with a pessary. The feedback I received was overwhelmingly positive. I feel I need to point out that for many women the pessary would be a wonderful option. 

But not for me. 

For a while there I put it to the back of my mind. Then my letter arrived. My letter with the info on the pessary. My letter stating I would have my appointment for a pessary fitting ‘in due course’. I read that letter and I sobbed. I cried long forgotten tears. Once I started I just couldn’t stop. I think I sobbed all night that night. Quietly in bed. My back to my sleeping husband and wonderful baby. I broke my heart time and time again. 

Eventually, in the dark, I picked up my phone and emailed my ‘nice’ surgeons Secratary. I wrote the words I wasn’t ready to speak. I wrote the words that I didn’t even realise had been the problem. I spoke of a tragedy I thought I’d long since got over. I wrote and I hoped. I hoped for understanding. I hoped for compassion. I hoped for a new option. 

Soon after I saw my GP for an unrelated issue. He innocently enquired if I’d had my prolapse appointment yet. I think he was surprised when I broke down into a puddle of tears in his office. He almost cried himself when the words came tumbling out. 

FOURTEEN. VIRGIN. RAPE. VIOLATED. 

It was at that point I knew 100% I could not have the pessary. I could not, and would not, force myself to go through all those emotions again. After so many years of counselling, healing, regression and then finally progress, I wasn’t going to step back into the dark. My demons have been long locked away. I thought I’d got rid of them altogether. Clearly not. Clearly they still exhist in the darkest depths of me. But that is where I intend them to stay. 

I feel weak. I felt pathetic. I felt downright stupid for allowing something from so long ago to affect my health today. But my GP didn’t. He understood. He understood that childhood trauma becomes engrained in your soul. 

I was a child. Until that day in my GP office I’d never seen it like that. At fourteen I’d felt like a grown up. I was independent. Strong. Fearless. But now, fifteen years later, I finally see I was a child. That was a hard pill to swallow. 

So that’s where I am now. My GP has written to my surgeon stating he feels the pessary is not an option for me. My truth is out there, and now I’ve scared it with you. 

Don’t get me wrong, it’s still hard. I’m still struggling. I’ve dredged up a part of my past I never wanted to face again. But I’m glad I spoke those words. Because had I not I know I’d of ended up being railroaded into something that just wasn’t right. Not for me. And now I have a doctor to vouch for that. 

So ladies, and gents, if you have a past experience that still impacts you today. Something you dare not speak of. Something which affects the way you may view medical examinations or treatment. I implore you, find someone you trust and let them know. Because they can and will help. 

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5 thoughts on “The words I dare not speak. 

  1. I’m so glad you stuck up for yourself Jennie.
    You need to do what’s best for yourself. I still hate that you are going through all of this. You know I can totally empathize. Been there. If you have any questions, ask.

    💛 Shannon

    Liked by 1 person

  2. My heart goes out to you. Been there with getting blindsided by emotional baggage from the past at unexpected times. Best wishes for working through all that pain yet again. Sometimes it takes more than one go around to finish grieving such events. Hugs!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Thank you for sharing. I did not realize the baggage I carried until my daughter was assaulted and I began reading books to try to help her. Me; 11-1/2, virgin, boyfriend rape, twice, escaped the third attempt. My daughter; 12, groped in the girl’s bathroom at school by a boy who chased her in there. Rape was not even in my vocabulary. You were a child. You can heal at any age but it is certainly a journey, not a destination for me.

    Liked by 1 person

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