I want to breastfeed.
I also want to stand and rock my son. I want to put him in his sling and walk around. I want to go out into the fresh air and proudly push him in his pram.
I want to take my daughter to school. I want to cook a meal. I want to be able to get dressed every day. I want to drive my car places. I want to get out of bed.
I don’t want to be exhausted. I don’t want to shake and go dizzy. I don’t want to be confused and forgetful. I don’t want to need supervising on the loo or in the shower. I don’t want to cry at my husband and beg him not to leave me alone at home even once more.
But I want to breastfeed. Breast is best. Breast is what he needs. Or so I’ve been told.
But what if breast isn’t best? If I go back on my medication then breast would be downright dangerous. If I don’t, then literally all I’m good for is breastfeeding.
I languish in bed. Exhausted. Undressed. Useless.
But my baby boy is breastfeeding. He’s thriving. Surely that’s best??
I just don’t know anymore. What’s more important, breast milk or a healthier mummy?