Are you feeling better today?
I get asked this nearly every day of my life. Or something similar. The answer? Well, that depends on who you are. An acquaintance gets Yeah, much better today. Thanks! Family, they usually are told I’m doing ok.
But there are a tiny few who get the truth. Some are told how, one issue may have improved, but another is ten times worse. How, the virus everyone else has got over is still crippling me a month on. How, everything hurts. Some are even let in on the fact that I’m down. That, though I love my husband and children, I miss being me. I’m lonely stuck in my bed day in day out. I wish with all my heart I could be the tiniest bit spontaneous or fun. Even fewer are let in on the feelings of jealousy, that I hate myself for. Longing for the life others have. The life without pain and illness.
But why only a few? Why do so many get the lie? I’ll tell you why. Because the truth disappoints people.
Every time someone asks how I am, I know the answer they want. Everyone wants to hear you’re better. But for someone like me, better doesn’t really come. Even my good days are most people’s bad. Yes, I could still tell the truth. But then I’d have to have the awkward moment where people don’t really know where to go with the conversation. Or I’d have to be upbeat and laugh it off, be tough. I don’t always have the energy to be tough.
I tried it for a while. I put it all out there. No holds barred. Someone asked me, I told them the truth. It didn’t last long before friends disappeared. I was told I was wallowing in my health problems, becoming a ‘martyr’ to them. A so called friend even told me how I always brought her down, and I should think more about how it impacts others to hear such depressing things. She then kindly extricated herself from my life. The thing was, she wasn’t the only one who told me how much of a burden I was.
So I learned my lesson. I built my walls. I put on a smile and tell the world I’m fine! Thanks for asking xx