Life changes when your health deteriorates. Suddenly you’re no longer living on your own schedule anymore. Every aspect of your life beats to the tune of someone (or something) else’s drum.
I used to choose what I did with my time, how many hours I worked, if and when I socialised, what activities I did to fill my time. (Because in those days time was something to be filled with limitless and varied options.) Yes I still had exhaustion and pain, but nowhere near the life sapping amount I have these days.
But now? Well, let’s just say, things have changed. My health decided to strip me of my energy, and my ability to work. With that went my social life, which doesn’t matter as I don’t have the energy for it anyway. Finally those time filling activities, they went out the window too. I’m sure you can guess the culprit.
So now I wait.
I wait for doctors appointments. I wait for tests. I wait for the results of those tests, so I can wait for doctors to decide what they want to do next. I wait for medications to work into my system, I wait to wean off other medications. (It’s an ever changing cocktail.) I wait for pain killers to kick in. I wait for my body to let me sleep. I wait for my husband to realise he can do better. I wait for my daughter to wish she had a fun mummy. I wait for the summer when my joints ache less. Then I wait for the winter when I’m less likely to collapse.
Everything is waiting. My life is waiting. Waiting for a miracle so I can ‘get better’ from my list of incurable chronic ailments.
I know what you’re thinking. Wow, that’s depressing!! Well yes. For a very long time it was. In fact, sometimes it still is. But luckily my husband assures me he will never get sick of me. My daughter (and step son) fill my days with smiles, stories, cuddles and laughter. My pets provide companionship whilst I’m stuck in bed. My few friends that remain are loyal and understanding. My new friends from various medical support groups are loving and funny. My good days are spent making the most of them as best I can with the people I love.
So I wait. But whilst I wait, I live. It may not be the life you have, or the life I expected. But it’s the life I have now, surrounded by the loving family I’ve created, who have stuck by me through the toughest of times. I’m happy with that.